Hanging

The trouble with me is that no matter how legitamately sick or ill I am, I always feel absolutely guilty as heck for staying away from work, which is exactly what I am doing right now even as I write this to you. I have a cold, a mere cold. But it feels like crap, and is probably also at the early, contagious stage. If I go in, I will give it to other people, not to mention sound damn aweful on phones as well as feeling aweful myself.

But it would have given me a much needed good reputation, and also given me much needed money.

Why do I give such a damn about money and reputation? I shouldn't care about either. Yet, I do. Oh boy, do I ever. Even though I am healed, I still feel like I got to prove myself to just about everyone. I feel terrible if I am five minutes late or take a day off, even though I don't get paid for that time off.

I wish I didn't care. I want to stop caring. I want to not think 'they're all talking about me'. But I can't. I seem totally obsessed with making up the years I lost. I am not sick usually. I tend to catch bugs and stuff sure, but I rarely ever throw up these days. Usually once a year.

But my work record must be pretty aweful. There again, I don't get paid to be off so, it's not like in a salary job where you are looked at sideways for taking paid days off work. Also, I am not paid enough nor am I in a true career role right now, to be willing to truely bust a gut when I feel absolutely hanging. Yet again - I say that on here, but that isn't how I feel. I feel like I want to go in, and work. I feel guilty. WHY ???

I don't want this blog to turn into a whine or a moan platform, so I think that's it for now.