When Christmas goes pear-shaped ...

Before I write anything else, I know. Compared to many poor folk out there, my Christmas was awesome. And sure, it was pretty good all things considered. I mean, I was not drunk, I was well, I was fed and watered, I got gifts, I spent it with family and I got to go to church and have a lovely time. So what's the deal with the title, then?

The first sign of trouble was brewing weeks ago, when I realised that one - I had very little cash and debts to pay and two, I had to work wierd night shifts right up until Christmas Eve itself, meaning I was asleep during the day and often getting up between 4-6pm, far too sluggish to do any shopping or sorting out. This meant Ken had to take on a lot and I felt that my contribution to the house and other people was lower than the charge I always set myself.

Further more, by Christmas Eve it was painfully obvious to me that I didn't have nearly enough gifts for people. Somehow I scrapped together cards and gifts for most but it felt under done and not a true example of how much I usually like to bless other people this time of year.

For the first year out of the 27 I have lived through, I felt as though the day had snuck up on me and I truely was unprepared.

The stress of still not knowing what is going on with benefits, I have forms to fill out etc ... doesn't help. They seem to make life very difficult for you if you choose to claim whilst trying to get back into work, and they don't also seem to understand nor grasp that a temp job where you get random shifts given to you with never any promise any more will follow, does not mean you can actually come off benefits altogether. The system seems set up for you to either be totally on the state, or totally off it. 'Change of circs'? Hah hah. The new year's gonna herald a lot of fuss and bother for me, and I just bet overpayment hassle.

Finally, at about 7am this morning my phone went off. Sluggishly answering to what I thought was Jazz on his way home from Kent (he was collecting Dana, a girl coming home to England from the US where she'd been living) according to the phone display screen, I found myself talking to Dana herself. She then informed me that Jazz was in hospital in Kent & Sussex (South East England), was sleeping mostly and throwing up badly - very angry indeed. I dispared at once. Apparently he'd not had a drop to drink though, and she thought it must have been the chinese they had. Odd, since Jazz normally won't touch chinese food, or anything 'chinky' as he rather graphically puts it.

Apparently Jazz had started wretching and tried not to throw up at Dana's Mum's place. In the end though he'd started to hurl and then it just wouldn't stop. In the end he started to hyper ventilate so she'd called an ambulence and gone with him. As it currently stands she is staying in with him over night, we don't know when he will be able to come home and both him and his car will need collecting from Kent. This screws up my plans to go with Ken to his parents/my in-laws Boxing Day for a 'second Christmas', and see our nephews etc.

It sounds like it probably wasn't anything he did ... but either way it's not a good Christmas. Being at No 30 felt wierd without Jazz there, however grumpy and gittish he can be when he *is* there.

To top it all off, I got absolutely whacked out after dinner and had to be driven home by my Dad with Ken. Haven't felt so utterly exhausted in a long time, and crashed out on the sofa once I got through the door with a duvet over me. I then slept through most of the rest of the day. Probably the down side of these night shifts, I expect.

So, there you have it. It was great to see my grandparents and the twins, as well as my parents of course. Church was fantastic and good fun. But Jazz's hospitalisation over shadowed the whole event along with my exhaustion due to night shifts, lack of funds this year and general stress relating to employment and stupid benefit forms.

But in all things - praise The LORD. Beautiful One I love, Beautiful One I adore, Beautiful One my soul must sing!

He could have worn a crown, instead He lay one down. My Jesus = Never alone.

Thank you for letting me back into Your life, when I do not deserve it yet again. Thank You for saving me, what can I say.