Realisation is a gruelling thing ...

Today, after surfing the web for a while and trying, without much joy, to find a role that I know I can do and feel that 'yeah, I can't wait to show these people my stuff!', I find myself sitting rather dispondantly behind my little desk, staring out at the rainy Bristol motorway outside, and wondering if my future really is over, and truely was as soon as I started to find myself forced out of roles (be it sickness, personal differences, percieved inability or a lack of finance to keep me on).

Nobody seems the slightest bit interested in giving me a chance. Everyone wants someone who already knows the job, and right now I am a receptionist. Getting rusty and forgetting past greatnesses is a rather polite understatement for the way things are currently shaping up.

I am trying not to rant here, or to go on. But I genuinly wish to share my pain and the fact that I know these major employers are looking for a despondancy beater, someone who can take it and laugh it off. Well, I have laughed a season, and now I tire. I feel old and worn out inside. I feel 80. It's a case of, when you really can see NO LIGHT at all at the end of the tunnel, what hope is there?

Where's my career? Stuff that; where's even a decent paying job in which I can blossom and actually contribute something? I am sick of getting up at 7am or earlier every single weekday simply to drive through the rain and the cold weather, in a half broken little clio, to a job that I could probably do almost anywhere (reception keeping). The petrol costs, the stress is mounting, the bad luck in terms of car trouble, road lateness and sickness is rising, and frankly it is doing my skull in.

I will try. I will try harder. I will still apply for jobs. But I don't even know what I can do anymore. I fear that it's just all over and I have super market shelves to look forward to.

Now ... that is depressing.

Sorry, I didn't mean to write this stuff. But it is the truth, and you might as well have truth if you're going to have anything.