Always, by Kim Kaze

Always Kim Kaze

Always a tower
Always, always, always
Never allowed to rest
Never, never, never
Rest denied,
It's always a sin.

The work of a Man
The rights of a woman
The love from a Father
The pain of a lifetime

Never keeping what I want to hold onto
But you are my rock
And nothing will ever change that

Always a white knight
With a black heart
That beats with red blood
The compassion of a mother
Come from above
Injected into my brain
From above

The skies have changed me
Made me new
A fresh heart,
A new start
Every day carving a way
Into the dark

Every time I think it's over
It comes back just as tough again
Just as hard again
Banging on my brain
Inside my patience insane
Held in by a membrane
Of the Word's words
Coming in sounds and verbs
A whole herd
It's impossible to hold on now
Keep holding on and how
Can I say I know Him
When I ignore Him and still sin?

I wait for the day I'm worthy
Instead of holey
Not holy like He is holy
Please show me, lord
Please don't leave a shard
Of the old me left to playact hard
My next card needs to work
And deliver
If you consider what I've done
There's no excuses, I can't shun
What I have done, because
He's LORD, -

And without Him, I am at sea,
And abroad, without a prayer

All my cares heavy and rope around my neck.

My power, my pleasure, my pain
All rolled into two, three, four...
Sometimes I feel drained
And I can't go on, but there is a door
It's Him, and sometimes Ken
Sometimes Kel, sometimes it's none of them.
Sometimes it's me alone,
But always, I have to stand before the throne
Of my own life, and decide
Who will sit there today;
Will I reside
Or will I confide in and
Lie in Him;
Defy the liar
And continue to be a blessing

And so it rocks on
Hurt again
Shot down again
Afraid, aggressive,
I am ‘angry from Keynsham’;
‘Angry from Destron HQ’
Furious that I bleed from the heart
Ready to HIT YOU.

But despite my mouth,
My feelings and my soul,
I know I won't fall into the deeper hole
He's got me too tight
And despite the fact that
I always have to stand tall
Always a wall of strength
Round the clock on call,
I know this.
I know this.
I know this one truth.

Always a tower
Never rested
No TLC. No R and R

A warrior, staggering from the frontal assault,
I know I'm at fault,
But the pain is too much to bear.
The shame is too deep to share.
Believe me,
There's no one who can see me,
Outside of Him who bleeds freely,
And that's the bottom line.

What?

- George AKA Kim Kaze

The last day

Last days are always typically tricky. You never know quite what to say or do, or how you should be feeling, what others expect, etc.

This is no exception.

Dalkia have been good to me. At least to my face. I really don't know how I've been able to help them, and to what level. Considering what's been going on at home and in my personal life, as well as my fortunes on the road of late, I think I have gone above & beyond the call of duty, and honourably resigned when I knew there was no hope of things getting any better (whereas before this, I was willing to try).

So today, I am feeling rather sad and strange, also scared as well. I fear for if I am doing 'the right thing'. But what choice did I have? I am p*ssing people off here with all the issue ssurrounding me getting in; I can feel it. I don't want to be a jobber that gets under people's feet who they secretly wish would just leave.

There again - my resignation has also caused problems with cover at an extremily difficult time, company wise. But it really wasn't an option, the timing. My car packed in.

At the same time, I have been here since July 04. That's 7 months, by my watch. My contract with Robert Half said 6 max. So I have worked every second that I was contracted to work, and then some.

I still feel though that I wish I could do more. I am so sick of things getting in the way of me finding a real way to help people or to do whatever it is that I am really good at. I know that I am a thinker rather than a do-er. And I have certainly struggled to try to get my head around the workings of this place and the energy & technical world. But I reckon I've done a very professional job compared to almost any temp I've seen. Most pack anything in if it's hard after a couple of weeks, some days. Some hours. This has been terrifyingly tricky for me for months, now. I knew I should leave in september, I felt God telling me that things were going to get hard but I was stubborn and stayed on. I knew the role and I was comfortable. Now look at me :P

Father; you're so smart. Please show me the new door I know that you have ready for me now that I finally have been MADE to listen to you.

Falling away from you

It seems that the Posse are going through a difficult stage. A stage where folk are hurting. No; now try feeling that you're not getting any younger, that life is simply slipping away. That you've messed up your calling, or perhaps that you've ruined a friendship. That you want a girl, or perhaps that you're depressed and just can't seem to find a way to support either yourself or your family. You don't know where you'll be living in a few months time, you don't even know what life with your name on it LOOKS LIKE anymore.

All this and more is drifting from person to person. And we're tearing each other apart for it half the time.

Remember that we are not enemies. Though it may feel like it at times.

Blessed are the peacemakers.

More later. If you are one of these people, take heart! You are not alone, and people who are close often squabble.

Road Rage

Oh ... my ... goodness.

Ok, where to begin? Yes; this will be a rant. But oh such a good and well justified one.

First of all, my Dad needed the car today for work. Since mine bombed two days ago and is now RIP Clio for good this time, I have been using the Previa to get into work. So he lifted me in this morning, which meant getting up earlier and a whole fiasco, since I didn't get to sleep until 1 am and was very tired waking up, blinking as Ken shoved tea under my nose.

The trip in was aweful. Firstly the tank was empty, so I had to take a route away from my usual one to work, just to get petrol before the car stopped running on us. After filling up at the Esso in Keynsham, we then made our way towards my place of work on the usual route. By this time, I was late already and in a bad mood.

Most of the way it was averege going. Once reaching the Willy Wicket roundabout however, I was in the righthand, outside land going around it, and then merged to the left as I turned right off the roundabout, into a fast stretch of road.

Suddenly and from nowhere, the guy BEHIND ME who was also in the righthand lane (I think...) appeared and shot past me on the righthand side, whilst I was still merging with the left, and riding the middle lines !!! I couldn't believe it. If anything coming the other way had struck his car as he did this death-inviting manover, he would have baled right into the side of me in my car, crunching my leg probably.

I honked him and growl-snarled the entire rest of the way. Only it was to get worse yet.

The queue going through Winterbourne villiage was terrible. Caused by temp traffic lights on the road up into Bradley Stoke much farther down from us, our little lane was trapped behind two others feeding into the chocablock road itself. We must have been in that queue something close to 40 minutes - maybe more. I stopped paying full attention to the time around the time that upon reaching the first merge point with another minor traffic lane, and finally getting in there, the lady behind in her salon car bumped stiffly into the back of me and my Dad.

I just could NOT believe it. Then my Dad goes and tells me that one of the brakelights is out currently. But we still have one working AND she could clearly see the traffic in front, so she was 'without excuse'. She hit US, and at the end of the day, if you go into the back of somebody, it's YOUR fault. This is something that I personally found out the hard way.

I by this time was pasted giving two, flying damns about anyone who wasn't God Himself landing on the car bonnet. I ignored her and told Dad that she'd hit us but there was no sense in getting out to have a look. After all as he pointed out, she must have hit the tow bar that we have. Our car is high, big and chunky - plus we do have a large bumper and a towbar. She must have struck the towbar which would have meant any damages would be to her car at that low speed, none to ours. Her fault, her damages - I didn't care anymore. If she had come over and started any, I think I would have grabbed her throat and finished it.

Gripping the wheel and snarling loudly, I simply proceeded down towards Bradley Stoke through the standstill traffic, ignoring her. She did nothing, except threw up her arms as though to say 'what the hell happened?!' and then sat there looking poker-faced.

In the end, we made it into town. I stopped off at Tescos though I was already late, realising that if I didn't, I wouldn't get any breakfast or lunchbreak today.

Finally getting in, there was no parking so it's a good thing that I was being dropped off!

Having made it in, I am now sitting and just resigning myself to the fact that until they let me go from this place (and yes, I have resigned), I will have to suffer whatever happens to get in here.

When going through hell, keep going.

In the words of Mick Foley, "I will never, never say 'I quit!'"