I found a temp cure for colds!

After one of the worst days yet with my cold, I took two extra str paracetamols, which seemed to sort of do nothing much. Then I got home, and swigged green Plax (Colgate Plax) then brushed my teeth. Afterwards I felt...totally normal. No ticking. Nothing. Nose felt better, too!

Try it, you might like it.

Oh for the want of some fun :)

It seems the dreaded cold returneth. Today is Boxing day, and Christmas was actually really nice and good fun. I started to cough quite badly though at my inlaws, and by the time it was leaving hour, it had gotten to choking point.

Now we are trying to arrange a trip out to eat thai food in Bath. There's this neat, little underground venue that we know serves food stuff and isn't too expensive. Dave and Jazz are invited on top of last year's faithful; Will, Paul & myself. Ken doesn't want to go since it's boxing day and he sees that as a day in. Sad really, because I am going OUT. Can't bare sitting in here any longer coughing and sleeping the day through.

More when something worth writing about happens, I think. Sorry the recent entries haven't been that thought provoking - but I do have a few rants waiting to go up on the back burner :)

Sleep in heavenly peace ...

Light roads, heavy mind

Back at work again, not entered anything for a few days because really, there was nothing to tell. Except the fact that yesterday was a 'day from hell', where at around lunchtime (which I missed, stupidly) everything started to go wrong ... which then carried on all day.

Traffic on the roads on the way to work is easy right now, due to the holiday season meaning that a lot of folk already are taking their vacation. At least, though I work over Christmas this year, it will be easy to get in and out.

Anyhow, today is a new day and tonight is RAW and a shopping trip to Asda (which I am not really looking forward to, since I want to flop when I get home and also I reckon it'll be heaving). I have got all the gifts I really need, so in that sense it won't be stressful. We don't have enough cash though to pay everything; the biggest bill which is the rent comes out on the first, and takes approximately half of Ken's monthly salary straight off. That immediately makes us look rather sorry on the first day of the month, which is a depressing concept. My earnings are sporadic at best; especially since I honestly don't know how much longer I'll be with Dalkia. Mentally, I already left. I love it here but ... I have to do something. I cannot 'live here', you know? This isn't me. I am getting rustier by the damn day, and I got to think for the future. At this rate, neither Ken or I will have career jobs, and that means constant struggling to pay the rent, and no children could ever be afforded.

More when I have something to write ...

A morning with Dalkia

Flip. Flip flip flip.

This morning Ken got up late (after getting in late last night because he doesn't have work this week!!!) :(

My tea was too hot to drink. The car was all iced over and the roads close to work were terrible. I got in 15 mins late, which was all right in the circumstances. Been busy thus far.

Now I find that the order for the food for the very important auditors is not coming!!! It is coming in fact, tomorrow when we do not need it. How this happened was because my boss, the PA, got the date one day out and said for the 21st to book. Today is the 20th. I have to now do a bomb run down to the irish cafe to get emergency supplies. Luckily I sorted it all out and thought to ring them. Poor Jane & I, I wish it could be different and calmer up to this time of year.

Grrr ... stress ...

At least the sky is wonderful and I am breathing in and out. Lord, I dedicate my day to You.

What I would be without Him ...

How Come I didn't see,
you were making fun of me.
How dare you change the rules, you made me look a fool.
Well, now your gotta see, the last laugh's not on me.
What am I gonna do to get my revenge on you.

You're Goin' Down. Goin' Down.

Was it just another line or did I did I misread the sign?.
What else could I do? I was so into you.
With all this bad luck I've had, my karma must be bad.
You're played your little game, oh what a shame.

You're Goin' Down. Goin' Down. Goin' Down.

I am singing it loud, and I don't care.
I am singing it proud, everywhere.

Now I feel no remorse, my life is back on course.
From this little hitch, I have become a superbitch.
But don't be afraid by that confession I've made.
I am not a whore, I have gone hardcore.

You're Goin' Down. Goin' Down. Goin' Down. Goin' Down.

I am singing it loud, and I don't care.
I am singing it proud, everywhere.
I am singing it loud, and I don't care.
I am singing it proud, everywhere.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

You're Goin' Down. Goin' Down. Goin' Down. Goin' Down.

Driving rain and parties

Jazz's Avensis ploughed back and forth through the storms last night, snow and rain; all manner of wetness battering party goers everywhere.


Tonight, my 'everywhere' was Clifton's Avon Gorge Hotel. The Dalkia Bristol party was something of an easy going, good, clean time, with nice food, good conversation, dancing and silly party tunes for all. Men and ladies dancing together, and lots of those silly tiger balloons which you blow up with tubes and when launched, can dive onto anyone's table or onto an expensive piece of art.

I think just about everyone had a good, clean time of it. The wine flowed freely, but I managed to drink and not get beyond the 'tiny bits of warmth and merry' stage.

For some strange reason, Ben came with Jazz to collect Ken and myself, which had the fun aspect of Ken & I sharing the backseat of Jazz's car :P

I am not sure why Ben wanted out in the snow of that night ... it certainly wasn't the sort of night one would choose to come out on. But never mind - I had to to walk back from Will's because Jazz was being a sausage-brained turnip and couldn't understand why it might be a good idea to lift someone back since there was freezing rain that night. But I walked it anyhow, biting my furry longcoat's top button to hold the warmth in, as much tends to escape from around the neck region.

I also had two bottles of Bud on the night. Aqua Teens was watched over at Will's after the party, as well as a botched attempt to speed run through Pikmin on the Game Cube.

Realisation is a gruelling thing ...

Today, after surfing the web for a while and trying, without much joy, to find a role that I know I can do and feel that 'yeah, I can't wait to show these people my stuff!', I find myself sitting rather dispondantly behind my little desk, staring out at the rainy Bristol motorway outside, and wondering if my future really is over, and truely was as soon as I started to find myself forced out of roles (be it sickness, personal differences, percieved inability or a lack of finance to keep me on).

Nobody seems the slightest bit interested in giving me a chance. Everyone wants someone who already knows the job, and right now I am a receptionist. Getting rusty and forgetting past greatnesses is a rather polite understatement for the way things are currently shaping up.

I am trying not to rant here, or to go on. But I genuinly wish to share my pain and the fact that I know these major employers are looking for a despondancy beater, someone who can take it and laugh it off. Well, I have laughed a season, and now I tire. I feel old and worn out inside. I feel 80. It's a case of, when you really can see NO LIGHT at all at the end of the tunnel, what hope is there?

Where's my career? Stuff that; where's even a decent paying job in which I can blossom and actually contribute something? I am sick of getting up at 7am or earlier every single weekday simply to drive through the rain and the cold weather, in a half broken little clio, to a job that I could probably do almost anywhere (reception keeping). The petrol costs, the stress is mounting, the bad luck in terms of car trouble, road lateness and sickness is rising, and frankly it is doing my skull in.

I will try. I will try harder. I will still apply for jobs. But I don't even know what I can do anymore. I fear that it's just all over and I have super market shelves to look forward to.

Now ... that is depressing.

Sorry, I didn't mean to write this stuff. But it is the truth, and you might as well have truth if you're going to have anything.

What is worth living with?

I am so sick and tired of feeling bad and guilty and letting people down. My benchmark is that I do NOT DO THIS. My pride is that I will be there for you, exactly when you really need me.

I would rather be poor and made fun of, sitting at home on benefits or something crazy, or working locally in some dead end job, than going through any more days of sickness at a place where I need to be there every morning.

I need something that I can do flexibally, so that this run of bad luck or lesson-teaching-from-above, whatever you wanna' call it; maybe just physical weakess, as hard as that is to either accept or believe in, stops and never starts over again.

I need to be in Keynsham. I need to not have people let down, over worked or upset when I can't get in on a morning due to traffic, roadworks, sickness or poisoning/car breaking down. I mean, it's all happened to me in the last few months, every single thing which could go wrong, HAS gone wrong. And even if nobody is actually talking, I am still SICK OF IT.

Do you hear me? Sick of it! I just want something I can go to with pride and not feeling I have to make up for something I missed. Something I can get up and look forward to going into, and not feel guilty if I can't for some insane reason (and maybe work from home).

Prayer and hard core

[Written late 15th - going into 16th]

Gettin' back to the old skool, with a flick of the wrist that's so cool ...

Seriously though, I'd forgotten how easy it is to actually get into God's presence and how easy it is to step back into prayer and living for Him. Perfectly? No. But to just GO? YES! It's no big chore - He is right there waiting to just send you along.

Today there was a party for Ignite up at the church, and there was I, in my big boots and enjoying the atmosphere of it all. I think basiclaly everyone enjoyed a really good time and just hung out.

I can't stay up as I want to make work tomorrow after being off ill for two days. I have claimed a healing so ... we'll see how it is tomorrow. I am calling it in 'healed' :)

Stay hungry ...

Hanging

The trouble with me is that no matter how legitamately sick or ill I am, I always feel absolutely guilty as heck for staying away from work, which is exactly what I am doing right now even as I write this to you. I have a cold, a mere cold. But it feels like crap, and is probably also at the early, contagious stage. If I go in, I will give it to other people, not to mention sound damn aweful on phones as well as feeling aweful myself.

But it would have given me a much needed good reputation, and also given me much needed money.

Why do I give such a damn about money and reputation? I shouldn't care about either. Yet, I do. Oh boy, do I ever. Even though I am healed, I still feel like I got to prove myself to just about everyone. I feel terrible if I am five minutes late or take a day off, even though I don't get paid for that time off.

I wish I didn't care. I want to stop caring. I want to not think 'they're all talking about me'. But I can't. I seem totally obsessed with making up the years I lost. I am not sick usually. I tend to catch bugs and stuff sure, but I rarely ever throw up these days. Usually once a year.

But my work record must be pretty aweful. There again, I don't get paid to be off so, it's not like in a salary job where you are looked at sideways for taking paid days off work. Also, I am not paid enough nor am I in a true career role right now, to be willing to truely bust a gut when I feel absolutely hanging. Yet again - I say that on here, but that isn't how I feel. I feel like I want to go in, and work. I feel guilty. WHY ???

I don't want this blog to turn into a whine or a moan platform, so I think that's it for now.

An 'Annus Horibilis'?

I don't like to be over dramatic, but this year 2004, as it draws to a close, truely has been a very tough and hard slog for both me and my immediate family.

I've been through losing a job, ending temp roles, working through tough conditions which didn't earn me much and I really wasn't used to, unemployment, shifting time zones, a total shift of all reality in Canada where my life drastically took a cliff edge swing off to the violent left, spiritually I've been low - so low I couldn't sense or feel a damn thing anymore - I've had a car accident, also nearly had a far, FAR worse one (see yesterday's entry), I've been in so much debt and impossible financial strife that I truely didn't think I could carry on, I've had really and truely tough times within my marriage to Ken; basically it's been a sucky year.

The good has been worth it of course, but what I am trying to make you understand is that it's been very hard for me to get through this one. I am still struggling to get back to anything closely resembling financial stability (and right now I am still in the poop), and also trying to get back to being close with God. I am finding this hard with Ken being distant from the church a lot and also not reading Scripture with me.

I am just trying to deal with this, I know it's a testing time but in all honesty, I need the power and the authority of God back in my life again. I need His touch. I know I don't deserve it - at all. I am a disobediant child. But He doesn't judge me as He sees me white and pure, as Jesus is. I know it sounds 'religious' and all that, but really it's just me and Him - a relationship between Father and child. Lord and warrior. Master and willing servant. Friend and friend.

Spectrum shifting, colours gone;
The future is changing ...

More later.

Almost crushed !

It is possible that I am in shock from this ... but anyway, that won't stop me writing.

Last night on the way home from work, as I cruised around a roundabout at what - 45-55 mph? Within the speed limit but admittedly not slow, two cars decided they were BOTH going to change directions (one was heading off the roundabout, the other around - and they both changed to do the opposite!). Now, I was heading off the roundabout and was indicating correctly, within the speed limit for the roundabout and in my correct lane (the overtaking lane on the feed road going off the roundabout).

Neither of the other cars used their indicatiors AT ALL.

They were both superminis.

They came together right in front of me like pincers. PINCERS!

Somehow, something carried me around the edges of the cars instead of straight into and through the center. I bent a bit, sort of skidded or slid or something, thw car felt like it moved like oil, not like solid, around the edges. I don't remember clearly whether I hit anything or not, I know the car isn't damaged.

It was wierd. Really weird. Now, I believe in the strange and the unusual - but this was not at all what i was expecting. Or ... was it?

Last two nights, all I've dreamt about vividly was car accidents and being in heaven with other people. And also trying to escape evil through a house. My friends were central also to that part of the dream, we are a team said the dream. We were always meant to be a part of eachother's lives.

Last night after it happened, I dreamt peacefully and not memorably, or vividly again.

Was God warning me to make me those extra seconds secure and on tentahooks? Did He help the car to bend somehow around the accident although I was literally sailing into them quickly, brakes already hard on and not steering.

What really happened? Technically nothing - because I escaped it. But if things had been a shread different in any one area, I would be flat as a pancake by now.

'To the One who is Holy,
and the One who is pure.
Be honour and glory,
and praise evermore!
From Your throne there is mercy,
You have poured out Your grace.
And I am consumed in
the glory of Your face!'

Sad to lose old friends

We all have to spend life it seems, losing things. Firstly for me, it was
my Gaihawk Hotmail account, filled to the gills with old emails, classic
TMUK stuff, and personal emails from around the era of BCE 99 and even
well before that time. I will never truely realise what I lost.Then after that, the next major electronic loss suffered was I think, my entire Outlook email pst file, going way way back also, losing everything I'd ever really emailed in the process. I lost a lot and was really quite upset about it all. At the same time, I also lost all my favourites, years of browsing wasted.

Shortly after this, I lost my cellphone, which aside from being worth around £250 at the time, had pictures on it that I treasured, including from Gamestars live 2004, the Nokia Party, London and my Nanny's funeral and final resting place. Every number I'd ever collected, also on there. Why aren't things more automated and easy to back up to eachother? This is insane. I'd pay, believe me I would. You never really care about backing up until you lose something of value; I did because my Dad worked in the back up business for a while, and yet it seemed that no one would help me back up properly. I was constantly asking 'can I not back stuff up soon?'. Nothing happened. I admit to forgetting about it somewhat.

And then it happened.

All of these, painful as they were, I could handle. What happened
recently and next I could not.

My D drive, the data drive, about 30 gigs of pure data, all of it personal, was lost. The drive just started clicking and wouldn't read any more. Jazz was fuming and at a loss for what to do. I think he knew the moment it happened what he'd done, or rather the drive had done, I am not convinced it was his fault, though it would be nicer somehow to have somebody to attatch the blame to. The truth is, I think the drive just simply failed. Seconds before Jazz was going to copy it across to a brand new location.

All my edited wav files of irreplacable audio tape stories (some are snapped tapes now and probably won't every get revived, though I still have the tapes), all my images from forever, all my MP3s and other sound files, all letters I've ever written, all my application forms and CVs etc., all the documents and stories and web pages, all the settings within the aforementioned, and worst of all possibly - my entire Biography. If I never get this back, and you are reading this now, mourn the loss of the original, because re writing a second time never contains the same raw spirit of the first version; especially since I wrote about
50 per cent of that stuff when I was at college and still 'feeling it'. I recovered the data at huge personal cost. £450 plus vat (£570). That is all I will say. Professional recovery specialistis did it. Back up your personal files, or else you'll pay.

Love as many people as you can. We are a nation of superminis. Isn't it a pain trying to get your cellphone out of your pocket whilst sitting down?

That pathway to My Man ...

He is big, he is hard, he is coporate.

He's Corporate Ken, aka Ken Kaze, my Husband. My rock and My life.

I dearly adore my baby with a zest and a trusting love and Wife's passion that only God can give a badass, ridiculously off the cuff, off the flaming wall girl like I was, once, ok? There is no human way I would ever like Ken outside of God, I was a b*tch to people like him. Ok I had reasons ... but I won't excuse myself. Wench is what I was. A hench wench.

Look what The LORD has done! Oh, don't get depressed or angry - just LOOK at what He's done! Damn it, how the hell do I even exist? I contradict everything about what kind of people are supposed in this day and age to be 'Christian'. I don't fit the 'on fiah!' image, but there again, I fit one image that I need to, and that's HIS image, of me.

In Him I am what I need to be, and perfect in His gaze. In Him is my resting place from the wild storms that even as we speak and I admitted tonight at Ignite, are tearing up and all through my life.

Here is where you can read about Ken, on Livejournal (ahem...that other place for blogs): http://www.livejournal.com/users/corporate_ken/

Civil Unions - not butchered Marriage

I wrote this as part of an email debate on 'rights' (amongst other things) and the over use of them in this instance. Please read the below if you are of a stable and rational mind. If you are highly opinionated or easily riled, best not.

Also, if you will read it - don't knee jerk. Read the entire thing, and digest the point.

-----------------------------------------------------

'They are supposed to be making a 'civil union' for gay and lesbian pairings. Not changing the laws of marriage. Besides, changing marriage to encorporate gays is disgustingly descrimnative against co-habiting heterosexual couples, who have chosen not to marry as well as the gay and lesbian pairings, and therefore they wouldn't have a civil union to represent them. They should make a civil union bill that can represent any long term commitment outside of the church, which is recognised by the state and stuff.

This bill should be for ANY TWO HUMAN BEINGS who wish to bond as a pairing. It shouldn't even have to be sexual. What about sisters and brothers who've lived together all their lives and when one dies, have to pay inheritance tax? That is totally despicable. I am against it. It's injust and wrong.'

Within the box [ Concept Copyright Kim Kaze 2004 ]

Recently I've been staring at this quote:
"Your own self is the only corner of the universe you can improve."

True or not (and I know it's arguable), it's a philosophical statement. Which means a lot of things; but above all else that it may be true, but people will always disagree in numbers, as well as agree in numbers.

I've been thinking a lot recently of the concept of 'how to sort life out'. The catch is, without directly relating everything to the Bible, since that wouldn't sit well with those who choose not to believe or follow it's writings.

My current thinking stands this way. You need to sit down and really give yourself time and space to think, and clear your mind of stress. Calm yourself, and then write down what the four most important things in life are to you. When you're old and grey, what will the four top things you wish you'd spent more time doing, be? What would you want to teach your grand children, or spend time doing with your spouse/family/friends?

The idea here, is not to have to think too deeply. To be honest, the quicker your answers are, the more likely they are to really be honest and from the heart.
Now, the plan is to construct from these ideals, the four pillars of your time.

What are you buying with your life? You only have so many seconds to live - without wanting to sound doom & gloom, the brutal truth of the matter is that we abuse our lifespan and treat it as though we're immortal half the time.

You buy things with your time. Time is the only medium I know of that cannot, no matter how much money, power, popularity or authority we have, be extended at all. We cannot buy an extra hour of the day. Even Bill Gates is a slave to the clock, and his days are 24 hours just like yours or mine. Time is the single aspect of games like Planetarion where we are all equal, as it is with life I feel. Time is the one thing you cannot buy or redeem back per say. But you can sell your time out, and you can definately waste your time.

Therefore, if you define these four pillars (any more and you'd become a mess with this exercise), look then at your average day. How much time do you actually spend doing something that feeds or bolsters one or more of these four pillars? If you find yourself doing something, ask yourself 'is this contributing in any way to my four pillars?' If it's not, then ask yourself, why am I doing it? It may be perfectly all right, but be aware of how much of your one, unique life is being spent doing, thinking, saying or achieving stuff that really doesn't matter to you and doesn't contribute in any way to the four pillars that YOU have decided without pressure, are the most important reasons you're alive.

Try it. I would love to know if this actually helps anyone, or if it's just a nice idea but won't work. I am trying it.

[ Concept Copyright Kim Kaze 2004 ]

So then, Britain ...

What's new this morning, I ask you?

Along the motorway just beyond the office, it's easy to see that my theroy is true. Britain is the land of the superminis. Look at them all go! I drive a Clio myself so ... not pointing any fingers here.

However, my tea is still too hot to drink. I haven't had my actimel or vitamin tablet yet, and I am all out of codliver oil capsules. Damn.

The post is hideously early, actually having beat me through the door (and I was in round about 8:30 am GMT). Bob the sandwich man is alittle late though, as it's now 9am and he still hasn't arrived. Starving!

Going to write more later once the standard chores are done, here. Watch this space ...

Well, here goes ...

Swore I wouldn't do this. I promised myself it was a bad idea.

'You'll be on the internet all day!'
'You'll forget huge chunks and therefore it'll be sort of pointless anyway...'
'You'll leave it to stagnate and die'

Well, maybe I will. Maybe I won't. You see, already I am online most of the day; either at work or at home. It won't hurt to record things this way. I could use it to tell others about my life and experiences, and also when the time finally arrives, to promote the existance of my autobiography and book. I don't know to this day whether they will be seperate or one book in two pieces, or what. I will think of that when the times comes. But it's going to be controvertial, in your face and full of exactly how I really feel.

It will probably upset liberals and conservatives in various ways each, as well as pagans, satanists, atheists, some Christians, evolutionists, some musicians, other writers, teenagers, know-it-alls ...

The one person I hope it doesn't upset is God. I expect He will frown though. I mean, it's gonna be blunt. But at least I come before Him with all my scars and all my wounds and stand there proudly still wanting to be His and wanting to carry His sword. For all my faults, and believe me, they are many ... I am His warrior and no one else's.

Fantasy is a poor reflection of reality. I prefer the real thing, although it hurts a lot, lot more.

Get real dot com, baby. On with the show.