A set of dreams ...

You probably aren't reading, I mean why would anyone who actually needs to know the contents of this blog ever read it. That would take a miracle!

I believe in miracles.

The dream bits that I can still recall are the following:

1. There's a river. It is playfully shallow and not that wide. Sort of 'park river' sized. Some of us (and I do not know who us is) were baling into the river, and for some reason Karen Miles was there too (I never usually dream about folk from work). We aren't concerned for some reason about being in the water. I remember climbing out and grinning. I think someone led or shoved me in there.

2. We are in the underground network, trying to get through the gates to get on a train. The tunnels are all lined with white, ceramic tiling and the guard is telling us 'you ain't getting on there now, it's the night service'. A light goes off and then another comes on, illuminating a panel that shows we can now only go through to the night service. Our saver tickets are all wrong now. The panel is long and oblong shaped, reaching like a low, solid farm gate along through the tunnel, making it so we cannot get to the righthand side and down that passageway.

3. This is the coolest part, the climbing and the insane jumps. It is like a dream inspired by Parkour and/or superman. Inside the underground is one, giant laberynth of industrial pipes, tall towers, brickwork, etc. Something out of mario brothers the movie meets smallville's luthorcorp plant, meets the underground. There seems to be people everywhere in areas, who cannot get any farther or just aren't going to try, etc. It is populated and there are train drivers/guards dictating stuff to folk and what they should do now.

I see Ken going ahead of me and shout out, chasing him. For some reason, people have to grab onto pipes and stuff, and then swing out over seriously huge gaps to the next section, tower, run or rail of pipes, etc. It is crazy and yet - no one seems to think it's unfair.

Nobody seems to fall or cock up! There is no screaming and one bloke has this stack of HP printer high quality paper between his legs and he seems to be abal to swing out with it between there and carry the whole stack, which is huge, across this gap to another tower.

I seem to be the only person who sees the danger or who is concerned about all this jumping/swinging/climbing.

I think you get the general idea. Wouldn't it be cool if we could videotape dreams?

You've been here before

The last time that I saw a car do what mine did last night ... and the temp gauge soar to the very top, I was sitting in Vicki Vardon-Norris' Clio - identical to mine funnily enough! - driving with her out on a visit in my former job.

We baled into a garage back then, and we were apparently lucky to get away without serious injury.

How odd. Or not, depending on how you view chance, fate, destiny, and things of that nature.

The pin that was pulled out of the grenade

And everything went bang. Again.

This time, as I drove home after resigning from Dalkia, I was acutely aware that I was feeling; feeling a lot. I was emotional and struggling to control it all. Nearly left the road several times as I tried to stay in 'reality'. But I was never in any real danger I don't think, of crashing. Things seemed fine, just twitched that were upsetting and forcing me to think.

As I approached Emersons green, I suddenly became aware that the road behind me was filling with smoke. At first I thought it was low level exhaust fumes due to the cold clinging to the harshly chilled tarmac, as fog and mist tends to do. Then I noticed that no one else was giving this off, and thought 'maybe my exhaust has gone up the creek'. Looking back on that though,l my exhaust has only just been replaced.

Then, as I slowed to pull up behind the car in front at the roundabout (there was quite a que) suddenly it all became painfully clear to me what was wrong. Smoke, steam and something else started to pour out of the sides and gaps in the car. Suddenly it seemed as though I was going to be overcome with the smoke and so I instinctively baled the car into the side of the roundabout and into the rough, unlaid ground; yard after yard of thick, brown mud.

I mounted the kerb, and entered the gunk. Splat. I felt the car sinking alittle into the soft muck. Grabbing my bag, I shut the car down, shaking and panicing - not in any state to deal with this.

Scrambling away from the vehicle, all I could think about was the Police show I'd seem about a week previous where a guy had stopped his car on the street because it seemed to be steaming or smoking. The police arrived and told him 'Sir, your car is on fire. Call the fire brigage'.

I got a safe(ish) distance away from the car, and started making calls and texts. Everyone pulling up at the roundabout was staring at me. I called Dad and told him what was happening, suggesting that I should call the fire dept. He agreed at once and so I rung off and made that call. Very soon, the flashing lights and sirens arrived, with four or five firemen in suits. They examined the car and were able to do something to the front end of it. By now it had simmered right now, but I didn't want to take any chances with anything hot.

So in the end, they left. My Dad eventually arrived and he, Jazz and myself decided to leave the car for now, strip it of anything valuable or sentimental, and get me home. By this time I was beyond all degrees of tolerance. My good boots were ruined in that muck. I got into Jazz's car, took them off and was taken home.

After that, and two more phone calls, I got my Dad to take care of the car situation. In the end, he joined me to Green Flag, got them to tow it, fix it a little bit and now it's sitting in West View Road, knackered. At least it didn't catch fire on the outside and then burst into flames, or fall apart.

The champ is here!

You scored as John Cena. John Cena 73% Chris Benoit 67% Randy Orton 63% Triple H 57% The Rock 57% Undertaker 47% Trish Stratus 47% created with QuizFarm.com

Over think - killing the young

Yeah it's time for me to come out and accuse the world and this society for what I think, nay; KNOW it is doing to my friends, my posse and my people. Yes, I got people just like everybody else and sometimes they probably all hate me and dispise me for having the gall to tell them how I think they should react or live their life. But the truth is, only those who give two flying damns about you will ever bother to risk an uncomfortable moment, a shoddy second and an evil eyed look, in order to try to share what they're thinking.

But when it all breaks down, nobody likes to be told they're wrong. Nobody likes their choices to be challenged, because if you chose them then you thought they were a good idea, and if they're wrong then that means .... your desicion was flawed. That is hard to swallow. I think it is actually one of the largest lynchpins and signs that any one person is actually truly growing up.

All the time I try to explain to folk exactly what 'maturity' is. They see it as this dirty word that means I am older so therefore smarter. NO! It is so much deeper, so much more complex than this. In short, I will try to say what I woke up thinking about this today:

I have been reading a lot of people's LJs and Blogs. I've listened to them talk, I have watched their walk and their choices rattling and reverberating throughout the lives of the people that they touch. Like ripples in a pond, we all effect those we are closest to.

We cannot escape from the responsibility of life. For that is what it is as I see it; a walk, a run, a jog, a stumbling crawl at times too. But it is you, playing your role, your part. If you can't be bothered or you just loose yourself in your own desires and your needs then you will miss out on that biggest question of all - WHY are we even here? That's my hunch. I am still considering this though.

On to my point, then. It seems to me as I glance around at myself, my life and the lives of others, that we over think a lot when we are at the stage of high school/secondary school, through to college and university. It is this period where our heads are literally crammed tightly and spewwing forth so much education, knowledge, people's opinions and views, books, websites, lecturers, professors, tv, magazines, billboards, musings whilst on the bus. We write our blogs and LJs and we regurgutate all that we are filled with. In short, we over think. We are machines; our minds so powerful and sharp at this age. And yet - all we seem to seek as the song says is a plce to fit in and feel a part of, to belong, to feel wanted, to be held. Loved. We all need somebody to love.

Man was not meant to be alone. And yet we are not all responsible enough to share our life at this stage with another. Those that try often have shattering and devastatingly destructive and confusing experiences.

When we do not yet know who we are, how can we link with another? How can we complete someone else when we are still growing, changing.

The danger is that where ever you are right now, you think this is you. The real you. You have your views and how you feel is just the way it is going to be for you.

So with all these thoughts and all this intelligence, the one thing we still don't have yet?

We haven't walked that far. Every step just gives you a totally new perspective on the steps that you've already taken and how you FEEL about everything around you. It all just changes and becomes more ... mature. Not better and not worse, just more ... what's the word? USEFUL. That's it.

You cannot share what you don't see for what it truely is. That's like selling a rare Transformer at a car boot for a few quid to some child who will just brake it minutes later. Both of you don't get what it could have brought to you - both of you are missing out. Why? Not because you don't see the object for what it is, but because there is still more about it that you yet do not fully appreciate.

It is really hard to pin down exactly what maturity means or is, but to me it will always be sharing that which you have the most perspective on. It's like taking an average out of a string of four numbers - at best it's going to be a bit rough. Now take 20 numbers. The averege is going to be a lot more accurate and have a decimal point, no doubt. Now consider 100 numbers.

It doesn't make you right or better. But it makes your data more .... deep. More settled down. More meaningful, I think.

Some of our oldest civilizations on this earth revered the old as kings and worthy wise ones. Maybe in our exuberance for freedom from bondgage, we have also become free from reason and restraint.

The Sailor I got to be

You scored as Sailor Venus. You are very good at video games. You love celebrities and wis to be one. You are sweet and an idealist. Sailor Venus 67% Sailor Jupiter 58% Sailor Saturn 58% Sailor Uranus. 58% Sailor Neptune 50% Sailor Pluto 33% Sailor Mars 33% Sailor Moon 33% Sailor Mercury 33% Sailor Chibi Moon 25% created with QuizFarm.com

A sudden burst - but confusing?

Yes ... as the title suggests, there has been a sudden influx of new interest in getting me back into work. Mostly admin but also some web work, and also senior admin stuff, too.

The trouble lies in trying to shake away the bad vibes of the past; the fear of failing, the fear of being made a fool out of, not knowing what I used to know, etc. Most if not all of these fears are probably close to totally irrational. You can't easily defeat fears though. My rooler coaster career ride thus far has led me into the realms of boom and bust confidence, ability and successes. All I actually want is to know that the bills are going to get paid every week or month, and that I can afford to spend alittle on myself every once in a while, and can go to work without the nagging fear that I'll be tired (getting up too early and bed too late), my car will brake down, or that I won't be able to get my work done without straining or feeling snowed under.

I can't wait to see what happens. Tomorrow I have a small interview at Riverside (ideal working location because I can walk to it!) for an admin role, but I am not sure how much it pays or exactly what one it is.

I will give it my very best shot, anyway. Will write about something else I hope; soon.

Oh; and there's this mini typing test. A 3 minute speed test and also a hand written letter to type out.

I hope there's no accuracy lock on it!

I would have liked to have said more

Yes, I wish there was more to say.

But if there's one thing that I cannot stand, it's a rant platform masquarading as a blog or LJ, full of angst and depression.

The fact of the matter is, I am looking for work right now, as well as recovering from a very painful bout of viral and bacterial flu-ishness.

The house needs sorting, my work needs refining, and I need to find myself a career where I can be genuingly useful to somebody; and get paid for being that.

I don't want to get rich, but I do want to afford to pay my bills and have some left over for blessing people with, tithing (something that I suck at) and of course, shopping (food and stuff that we all need).

My grandma was very ill yesterday. Can't say much more about that other than to tell you now I'm better (for the most part) at least I can visit her some time.

More when relevent.

Sometimes a computer can make you sick

Hmm. Traffic's really bad again on the roads that I take into work. But here I am; I have lots to do today. Hope all goes well.

I miss being on and role playing, but I am afraid that I've been neglecting my house and my Husband. I am really starting to get a hatred for being sat in front of a useless pile of junk (aka a PC). It just literally sucks and draws the life out of me. I will log on tonight but anyone who wants to harras me, jump all over me, or otherwise bother me will be blocked and sent flying.

Because for a while anyway, I am going to actually try to live better and earn the blessing of a real job once again. Something I don't deserve right now with the fake life I live online.

Time to get back to the grind ... actually feeling pretty good right now bar the anger at my computer and the sheer lack of time to fit in everything that I need to in my home life.

Not had much to say of late

I have been a bit up and down over this change of annual period.

To be blunt; a lot has been really sh*t for me of late. Mainly the sickness, but that's had a knock on effect on my tolerance levels, my attitude towards life, my job and the way I view myself, and also my finances (I do not get paid for work I do not do).

I can't find my time sheet from two weeks ago .... darn it. I need that money.

Things just seem to be getting a bit on top of me lately; I feel as though I struggle to keep up at work. No clue as to why, the stuff that I am doing really isn't all that hard. It's just that I seem to be getting agitated with everything, like I am in the wrong job or the wrong place.

And I know I am. I need a career. But what? And how? I don't know. God is my only hope.

And then ... there's all the good :)

Friends. Seen a lot more of them recently, and really enjoyed it, too. Family. Seen much of them and enjoyed it, though I haven't seen my grandparents for weeks. I just felt really blessed and fortunate in terms of all the sheer stuff that I have, and all the things that I get given to me.

Spent today going to Heathrow in Jazz's car to take Dave Burford to the airport. He's left for a week's holiday in Miami, Florida, to meet some of his friends, including a girl called Diana who he is in a long distance relationship with. Hope he has a good time out there.

So, I shall close this entry by simply saying ... somebody ... anybody, get me to the Lord.

Because my only future is with Him and in Him, and He is all I want anymore. Material life has deserted me; I know this.